I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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