these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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