this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
