I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
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