Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
