final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
