Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
