when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
