My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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