Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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