chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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