Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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