i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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