when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
