are you still at the devil's house?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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