My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
