my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
