A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
