I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bring me that man meat
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
