so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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