mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize