I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
And then he peed in my hair
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
