First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
