Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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