Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
