Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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