so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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