Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
