He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
