apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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