I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
