Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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