birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
