you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
