If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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