the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
