drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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