I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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