I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
