My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
