you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
