I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
