my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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