Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
