nut hugger
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
