If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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