4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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