right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
