Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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