i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
